New Premiership Rules 
Five new rules that will almost certainly make no difference to five mildly annoying aspects of football

Shoot the Bloody Offender!
Oftentimes, we see footballers being caught offside. The linesman will raise his flag, and it will take at least 30 seconds for the momentum of the game to turn the other way. In the event of offside, the linesman will no longer raise his flag; instead he shall raise his air-rifle, aim and take fire at the football or the footballer’s legs, stopping play dead. A new ball shall be thrown onto the pitch, as will a new pair of legs in the shape of a substitution.

The purpose of the corner-kick is to cross the ball deep into the area, and as has been proven many times, this often results in a goal. I cringe every time I see a corner-kick being taken short; we all know that short corners never amount to anything. So under new FA legislations, corner flags will be replaced by large slingshots that the corner-kick taker shall load with the football, pull back and let fly into the box. Rio Ferdinand will push someone over, and the brief sense of excitement will be lost yet again.

So many times we see footballers raising their hands in the wake of a supposed foul, trying to make the referee believe that what he had just witnessed was an actual foul. Under new FA legislations, all footballers raising their hands will be asked by the referee if they wish to be excused for the toilet.

And in conclusion, players will once again be able to run into the crowd without fear of a yellow card, and managers who moan about JJ Okocha using a towel to dry the ball before a throw-in will be towel-whipped by the fourth official. Possibly by the same towel used to dry the ball for a weak sense of poetic justice.

The linesman might not have clear line of sight to shoot the airgun at the offside offender. Suggest instead equipping players with electrodes so that they can be shocked for infringements. Officials watching video on the sidelines can shock for offside, play acting, protesting referee decisions etc.

Nude footballers kick up a fuss ( see photos)
Aussie Defender AmyTaylor's accepted the invitation to the Matilda's calendar.
A nude calendar has bee launched featuring the Australian women's soccer team, the Matildas, is set to sell out despite a wave of criticism over its provocative pictures.

I'm really proud of the photos, it shows just how attractive women soccer players can be Alicia Ferguson, Matildas defender. The calendar, featuring several full-frontal shots and images of two teammates together, has increased its print run from an original 5,000 copies to 45,000 on the strength of pre-publication publicity.

Chief executive of the Australian Women's Soccer Association (AWSA), Warren Fisher said: "This calendar is generating such amazing interest because each of the 12 players are expressing themselves individually."

Hardly the kind of inspirational role models anyone would choose Sue Williams, Sydney Sun Herald Speaking to reporters at the Sydney launch, midfield player Alison Forman explained why she posed with teammate and flatmate Sharon Black: "We live together, we train together ... we thought, why not do the shoot together?

"It's turned out great, we really love the shot. It's definitely going up on the living room wall," she said.

Publicity drive

The 12 black-and-white images are said to be "tasteful" and according to AWSA president Shirley Brown it was the only way to increase the profile of the team. "In Australia, women's sport is still considered second rate," she said.

"No matter how good these girls are as soccer players, that is not enough to get the recognition that they deserve."

The Matildas finished 11th in the recent Women's World Cup in the USA and AWSA is currently campaigning for the right to hold the 2003 event.

The Matildas - with their kit on
The critics say the fact that sportswomen feel the need to resort to this kind of publicity is depressing. "Women at an elite sports level - and you can understand their frustration - just don't enjoy anywhere near the same kind of funding support (as men)," said Ms Mary Crooks, executive director of the Victorian Women's Trust.

Male fantasy

And writing in Sunday's Sydney Sun Herald newspaper, columnist Sue Williams said the calendar held out the promise that "if the Matildas don't score on the field, male fans could well do so in the dressing room later."

The Matildas respond that they were happy to be part of the calendar.

Nineteen-year-old striker Alicia Ferguson said she was proud to be involved. "The idea was put forward to us and it was our decision whether we wanted to do it or not," she said.

But the short-term goal of attracting media attention would seem to have been achieved: the launch party was described as "standing room only" with television crews from all over Australia and several from abroad.